Here’s a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
– A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
– Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
– Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop–or worse, a mortuary’s.
– Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”
– Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
– Any food item with the words “diet,” “light,” or “high fiber” on the label.
– Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
– Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
– An apologetic look and the words “That was today?”
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.